Thursday, May 05, 2005


Image(632) custard
Originally uploaded by photosam.
About two days ago someone crept into my house, while I was asleep, sliced the top off my head, scooped my brains out and replaced them with custard.

I'm not sure how much custard was involved. Based on the volume of my head, I'd estimate about 4 cans. It feels like it's packed in quite tightly. My ears are throbbing. Maybe that means it's going to start oozing out soon.

It turns out to be surprisingly good for conducting thoughts. I can breathe, move, and drink coffee. All major functions are there. The only problem seems to be that any desire I once had to do productive work has gone. Thoughts related to my job are slowed to a crawl. I'd rather stare out of the window, than tippity-tap at the keyboard like a good little code monkey. Mind you, work-related thoughts have always been a little on the glacial side of speedy.

I've tried coffeeing the custard into action. Doesn't work. I just end up with shaking hands, birdlike head movements, and a desire to shout. The custard just sits there, smirking and roiling languidly, sloshing against the inside of my forehead. Fragments of coherent thought dashed against my skull.

Whoever has my brain had better return it soon. Or at least come back and slice a banana into the custard. I've a hunch it'd help - bananas are supposed to be brain food. But then, so are fish. I really don't want a shoal of fish swimming around in my custard sea. That can't be good.

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